Post by JJ Judkins on Jan 21, 2008 18:58:15 GMT -6
WHAT TO DO DURING A HOSPITAL STAY TO KEEP FROM GETTING BORED
AND OTHER USEFUL TIPS
BY JJ JUDKINS
Call all the nursing staff Mack. This will just about guarantee special attention. VERY special attention!
All Doctors should be referred to as NURSE This will also get you special care from your doctor. He might even fix something other than what you are in the horsepital for.
Don't answer to your own name. Answer only when you are addressed as “Bill or Hillary, maybe even Barak . Note: This may cause confusion and possibly result in that sex change operation Bill Cole (in the next room) was scheduled for.
Fill drinking glass with pale yellow liquid and drink in front of a member of a nursing. Your effort will be greatly appreciated.
Every time a doctor or nurse comes into the room ask “Is the bus here yet”?
Call all members of housekeeping and maintenance “Doctor”. Ask if you can go home. Be leery
of anyone that says yes then offers you a ride to save you bus fare
Acting very excited, inform anyone you meet in the hall that there is a code ZEBRA IN ROOM 124.
You should then vacate the area before security runs you down.
When you are being given meds be sure to ask in a whining tone, “Are you sure this isn't poison”?
WARNING: Repeated queries may result in new or strange tasting medications!!
On first being attached to a machine begin to convulse as if you are being shocked .This can in the least cause you to get scolded or maybe other people will be called in to watch. If you are convincing enough you might cause someone to have to change their drawers,
When placed in bed cry “giddeup horsey”! If possible, pretend to ride a horse. Be warned : Those people in the white uniforms that want to give you a you a white jacket or a nice sleepy shot are probably not lab technicians. Avoid them at all costs.
Be nice to Lab Technicians. They have big needles and can most likely move faster than you!
Nurses with cords and other devices may be dangerous..Especially late at night. I seem to remember the legend of hanging Mary..........
Beware of extra friendly Med students or lab techs that want to take you to a lab for tests. Experimental subjects are required. Be very very alert if they “need to strap you down as a safety precaution.
At shift change play dead. [this will not work if you are attached to monitoring equipment] When someone comes to investigate, let them get right up on you then yell BOO! If they have a heart attack, hey, you are in a horsepital! If they beat the crap ouy of you, hey, you are in a horsepital! If you are attached to a monitor, pull a lead loose and act like you are asleep. When they start to reattach the lead or they try to wake you up, yell out as if startled. If you are very good you can cause them to have to take an unscheduled break to change into a loaner uniform until they can get theirs back from the laundry. d\if you don't want to scare anyone, be a wuss and skip this step.
When someone strange comes into your room asking for you deny it and point to your room mate. This can be especially amusing if you have 3 or4 roomies and they are in collusion with you.
Ask”is this addictive?” This can be used to replace or in conjunction with #8.
When your bare butt is slid onto the cold steel don't scream “this is too cold”! Do the unexpected. Scream “This is too hot”!
After the nurse hands you the urinal, take your smuggled water filled syringe, squirt it on the floor and either call for the nurse or wait until she comes back in and with a sheepish look point and say “I missed”She will be your friend for life- however many minutes you have left.
Tip: when a nurse decides it is time for you to have a shot you are not safe .If they desire they will track you down no matter where you are. If you are having therapy you aren't safe, nor are you if you are in consultation with your doctor. Never, never think you are safe in the restroom. They will find you!
When the nurse comes in to check your blood sugar and demands “let me have a finger”! DON'T!
You might not get it back.
When the doctor comes in and says”how are we today Mr. Smitts? It is perfectly ok to explain to him in a loud voice that “We” have a bone jutting out of “our” arm., a piece of the kitchen table in the stomach, plus a severe headache from the beating the fringe of that tornado gave me. In a situation like this it is perfectly reasonable that you politely correct him by informing him your name is Smith, not Smitts. You can also allow them to pry your fingers from his throat before he croaks, The replacement doctor and rest of the ER crew will be much more polite.
Do not Remove.
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