Post by JJ Judkins on Apr 21, 2012 12:58:16 GMT -6
Sam and Becky are celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary. Sam
says to Becky, "Becky, I was wondering, have you ever cheated on me?" Becky replies, "Oh Sam, why would
you ask such a question now? You don't want to ask that question..."
"Yes, Becky, I really want to know. Please..."
"Well, all right. Yes, 3 times..."
"Three? Well, when were they?" he asked.
"Well, Sam, remember when you were 35 years old and you really wanted to start the business on your own
and no bank would give you a loan? Remember, then one day the bank president himself came over the
house and signed the loan papers, no questions asked?"
"Oh, Becky, you did that for me! I respect you even more than ever, to do such a thing for me. So, when
was number 2?"
"Well, Sam, remember when you had that last heart attack and you were needing that very tricky
operation, and no surgeon would touch you? Then remember how Dr. DeBakey came all the way up here, to
do the surgery himself, and then you were in good shape again?"
"I can't believe it! Becky, you should do such a thing for me, to save my life. I couldn't have a more
wonderful wife. To do such a thing, you must really love me darling. I couldn't be more moved. So, all
right then, when was number 3?"
"Well, Sam, remember a few years ago, when you really wanted to be president of the golf club and you
were 17 votes short..?"
A three-year-old boy fell eighteen feet into a zoo enclosure
containing seven gorillas. He was immediately rescued, not by zookeepers, but by one of the animals.
The 150 lb. female gorilla picked up the unconscious form of the boy and laid it at a door to be easily
retrieved by zookeepers.
This cross-species rescue has resulted in thousands of dollars in donations to the zoo. It is perhaps
because of these donations that zookeepers have kept quiet about one vital detail, a hastily scrawled
note tucked in the boy's collar: "Thanks, but we prefer fruit."
Soup Du Jour
An old man goes to a diner every day for lunch. He always orders the soup du jour. One day the manager asks him how he liked his meal. The old man replies, in a thick acccent, "Wass goot, but you could give a little more bread."
So the next day the manager tells the waitress to give him four slices of bread. "How was your meal, sir?" the manager asks. "Wass goot, but you could give a little more bread," comes the reply.
So the next day the manager tells the waitress to give him eight slices of bread. "How was your meal today, sir?" the manager asks. "Wass goot, but you could give a little more bread," comes the reply.
So ... the next day the manager tells the waitress to give him a whole loaf of bread with his soup. "How was your meal, sir?" the manager asks, when he comes to pay. "Wass goot, but you could give just a little more bread," comes the reply once again.
The manager is now obsessed with seeing this customer say that he is satisfied with his meal, so he goes to the bakery, and orders a sixfootlong loaf of bread. When the man comes in as usual the next day, the waitress and the manager cut the loaf in half, butter the entire length of each half, and lay it out along the counter, right next to his bowl of soup. The old man sits down, and devours both his bowl of soup, and both halves of the sixfootlong loaf of bread.
The manager now thinks he will get the answer he is looking for, and when the old man comes up to pay for his meal, the manager asks in the usual way: "How was your meal TODAY, sir?"
The old man replies: "It wass goot as usual, but I see you are back to giving only two slices of bread."
Graduate Degrees in Action
What does a graduate student with a science degree ask?
"Why does it work?"
What does a grad student with an engineering degree ask?
"How does it work?"
What does a grad student with an accounting degree ask?
"How much will it cost?"
What does a grad student with a liberal arts degree ask?
"Do you want fries with that?
The Fourth of July weekend was coming up, and the nursery school
teacher took the opportunity to tell her class about patriotism. "We live in a great country," she
said. "One of the things we should be happy about is that, in this country, we are all free." One
little boy came walking up to her students in the back of the room. He stood with his hands on his hips and
said. . . .
"I'm not free. I'm four."
True Story The Dog That Loves People
A normally sweet Great Dane Psil has one quirk: she hates United Parcel Service drivers.
While walking Psil one day, around the corner of a house came a UPS man.
Struggling to keep hold of Psil, the owner tried to ease the situation and said, "As you can see, she just loves UPS men."
"Don't you feed her anything else?" he responded
The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man
around that they offered a standing $1,000 bet. The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice
ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out
of it would win the money. Many people had tried over time (weightlifters, longshoremen, etc.) but
nobody could do it.
One day this scrawny little man came into the bar, wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit, and said
in a tiny squeaky voice, "I'd like to try the bet." After the laughter had died down, the bartender
said OK, grabbed a lemon, and squeezed away. Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the
little man.
But the crowd's laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six
drops fell into the glass. As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid him the $1,000 and asked the little
man, "Sir, what do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weightlifter, or what?"
The man replied, "I work for the IRS."
A guy pulls out of a dounut shop and makes
a left turn instead of right....all of a sudden he hears a cop behind him. He gets out his license as
the cop comes to the window. Cop says: "Sir, do you know why I pulled you over?" And the guy says: "
'Cause you smelled the dounuts in the car."
The Family Maid
A husband and his wife advertised for a livein maid to cook and do the housework. A likelylooking girl came in from the country, and they hired her.
She worked out fine, was a good cook, was polite, and kept the house neat. One day, after about six months, she came in and said she would have to quit.
"But why?" asked the disappointed wife.
She hemmed and hawed and said she didn't want to say, but the wife was persistent, so finally she said, "Well, on my day off a couple of months ago I met this goodlooking fellow from over in the next county, and well, I'm pregnant."
The wife said, "Look, we don't want to lose you. My husband and I don't have any children, and we'll adopt your baby if you will stay."
She talked to her husband; he agreed, and the maid said she would stay. The baby came, they adopted it, and all went well.
After another year, though, the maid came in again and said that she would have to quit. The wife questioned her, found out that she was pregnant again, talked to her husband, and offered to adopt the baby if she would stay. She agreed, had the baby, they adopted it, and life went on as usual.
In a few months, however, she again said she would have to leave. Same thing. She was pregnant. They made the same offer, she agreed, and they adopted the third baby. She worked for a week or two, but then said, "I am definitely leaving this time."
"Don't tell me you're pregnant again?" asked the lady of the house.
"No," she said, "there are just too many kids here to pick up after."
Two blondes were in a parking lot trying to unlock the door of their Mercedes
with a coat hanger. They tried and tried to get the door open, but they couldn't. The blond with the
coat hanger stopped for a moment to catch her breath, and her friend said anxiously: "Hurry up! It's
starting to rain and the top is down."
A conceited new rookie was pitching his first game. He walked the first five men he faced and the manager took him out of the game. The rookie slammed his glove on the ground as he yelled, "Darn it, the jerk took me out when I had a nohitter going.
Will the real bride please stand up!
Two women came before wise King Solomon, dragging between them a young man.
"This young man agreed to marry my daughter," said one.
"No! He agreed to marry MY daughter," said the other.
And so they began arguing until the King called for silence.
"Bring me my biggest sword," said Solomon, "and I shall hew the young man in half. Each of you shall receive a half."
"Sounds good to me," said the first lady.
But the other woman said, "Oh Sire, do not spill innocent blood. Let the other woman's daughter marry him."
The wise king did not hesitate a moment. "The man must marry the first woman's daughter," he proclaimed.
"But she was willing to hew him in two!" exclaimed the king's court.
"Indeed," said wise King Solomon. "That shows she is the TRUE motherinlaw."
Sarge & the new recruits
One day, a sergeant of long service standing was trying to teach a bunch of raw recruits how to handle the rifle. The rookies were firing hither and yon and finally one of them shot the sarge in the seat of his breeches. "You dumb, censored, son of censored, censored, censored," screamed the sarge.
A second lieutenant that was with the group cautioned, "Remember, Sarge, you're in the New Army. No profanities."
The sergeant apologized to the officer and turned back to the recruit. "My goodness gracious," he said, "What on earth was your motivation in shooting me with unwarranted expenditure of valuable ammunition?
Juan the Smuggler
Juan comes up to the Mexican border on his bicycle. He has two large bags over his shoulders. A guard stops him and says, "What's in the bags?"
"Sand," answered Juan.
The guard says, "We'll just see about that. Get off the bike."
The guard takes the bags and rips them apart; he empties them out and finds nothing in them but sand. He detains Juan overnight and has the sand analyzed, only to discover that there is nothing but pure sand in the bags. The guard releases Juan, puts the sand into new bags, lifts them onto the man's shoulders and lets him cross the border.
A week later, the same thing happens. The guard asks, "What have you got?"
"Sand," says Juan.
The guard does his thorough examination and discovers that the bags contain nothing but sand. He gives the sand back to Juan, and Juan crosses the border on his bicycle.
This sequence of events repeats every day for three years. Then one day, Juan doesn't show up. The guard meets up with him in a cantina in Mexico.
"Hey, buddy," the guard says, "I know you're smuggling something. It's driving me crazy. It's all I think about. I can't sleep. Just between you and me, what are you smuggling?"
"Bicycles," Juan says.
Something's Fishy
Where are most fish found?
Between the head and the tail!
What kind of fish will help you hear better?
A herring aid!
What do fish sing to each other?
Salmonchanted evening!
How does an octopus go to war?
Wellarmed!
Where do you find a downandout octopus?
On squid row!
What do you get if you cross an abbot with a trout?
Monkfish!
What bit of fish doesn't make sense?
The piece of cod that passeth all understanding!
What is dry on the outside, filled with water and blows up buildings?
A fish tank!
What was the Tsar of Russia's favorite fish?
Tsardines!
What did the boy octopus say to the girl octopus?
I wanna hold you hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand!
Chess Playing Dog
A man went to visit a friend and was amazed to find him playing chess with his dog. He watched the game in astonishment for a while. "I can hardly believe my eyes!" he exclaimed. "That's the smartest dog I've ever seen."
"Nah, he's not so smart," the friend replied. "I've beaten him three games out of five."