NOW THAT'S FUNNY MONDAY

[JJ Judkins]

NOW THAT'S FUNNY MONDAY
TEACHER: "Tell me, Johnny, which is the best time to pick pears? Spring, summer, autumn or winter?" JOHNNY: "The best time to pick pears is when the farmer is not at home and there's no dog on the farm.
***
At a history examination.
EXAMINER: "Mention an important event in 1564."
EXAMINEE (after thinking for a long time): "Shakespeare was born."
EXAMNER: "Very well, and in 1574?"
EXAMINEE: "Let me think...ah,yes. I know. Shakespeare's tenth birthday!"
***

One day a farmer went outside to his pond with a bucket to pick peaches from the peach tree next to his pond and there were two blondes in the pond skinny dipping. When they saw him they went to the deep end and said: “Don't make us get out, we're naked!” He said: “I ain't. I just came to feed my alligators.”
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A man and banker were going duck hunting when the banking picked the man up he saw a dog. The banker told the man to bring the dog. The man said "You don't want me to bring that dog". The banker said "Bring the dog". The man again said "You don't want me to bring that dog". The banker said "I hold the mortgage on your house so bring the dog". So the man said "Come on Rover".
When they got to the lake the banker said "Bring the dog". The man said "You don't want me to bring the dog". The banker said "Bring the dog". The man again said "You don't want me to bring the dog". The banker said "Bring the dang dog". So the man said "Come on Rover” and Rover got in the boat.
After a while the banker shot a duck, and told the man "Send the dog after the duck". The man said "You don't want me to send the dog after the duck". The banker said "Just send the dog after the duck". So the man said "Fetch Rover". Rover jumped out of the boat and ran across the water and brought the duck back.
After a little bit more the banker shot another duck. He told the man to send the dog after the duck. The man said "Fetch Rover". Rover jumped out ran across the water and brought the duck back. The banker sat his gun down and turned to the man and said "I don't want to say anything the first time but that dog RAN across the water" The man said "Yeah, I never could teach the dumb thing to swim".
***
There was 3 men doing construction: a brunette, red head, and blonde. The brunette said: "If I have deer meat for lunch one more time I am going to jump off this 100 foot ledge". The red head said: "If I have buffalo one more time for lunch I will jump off this 100 foot ledge" and the blonde mentioned: "If I have ham one more time I will jump off of this ledge". The next day the brunette had deer, the red head had buffalo, and the blonde had ham. They all jumped and died. At the funeral, the brunette's wife said "I didn’t know he didn’t like deer." The red head's wife said "I didn’t know he didn’t like buffalo" and sobbed off. Finally the blonde's mom said "He made his own lunch".
***
A christian man walks to work at a factory one day and the boss sends everyone home because he was expecting a flood.
On the man's way home it starts raining and two thirds of the way there the rain is up to his knees. A man with a canoe asks: "Do you need a ride?" "Nope, i'm waiting on Jesus". A little bit further the rain is up to his waist and a man with a rowboat asks: "Do you need a ride?" "Nope, I'm waiting on Jesus".Finally, the rain is up to his shoulders and a man with a speedboat says: "I'll give you a ride". "Nope, i'm waiting on Jesus".
Finally he dies, and goes to face God to face his judgement and he's mad, and asks God: "Why did you let me drown down there?" God answers by saying: "I sent you three rides and you were too dumb to get in".
***
A woman calls the police to say her car was burglarized and the officer asks what's missing. She says: "They took my dashboard, steering wheel, mirror and front seat". The officer sent a man out and calls him when he gets there.The seargent asks the patrolman what he discovered on the scene and he answered: "The lady's blonde and got into the back seat".
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Which 4 pets do women like most? The first is the mink in the closet hanging up, the second is the jaguar in the garage, the third is the tiger on her bed and the fourth is the jackass that pays for it all.
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A guy is walking on the beach when he comes upon a golden lantern half buried in the sand. He picks it up and rubs it to get the sand off and a Genie appears and says: "Master I am your Genie and I am here to grant you three wishes, but I must tell you, whatever you wish for your wife will be given twice as much."
So the guy thinks a second and says "What the heck, OK, go ahead and grant my three wishes."
The Genie says: "Your first wish Master?" The guy says: "I want a mansion built on that hill." The Genie says: "Yes Master, and your wife will get two mansions." The guy says: "Ahhh, ok go ahead." Then Bam! That's done, he gets one mansion, she gets two.
The Genie says "Your second wish Master?" and the guy says "I want $100,000,000 in the bank." The Genie responds saying: "Ok and your wife will get $200,000,000." The guy agrees and Bam! That's done!
The Genie then says: "Master, Your third wish?" and the guy says: "I want you to beat me half to death!"
***
A blonde was driving past a cornfield when she noticed another blonde in the field in a rowboat rowing. The blonde stopped the car and got out and said: "The blondes like you make blondes like me look stupid". The blonde in the rowboat replied: "If you got a problem with it why don't you come out here and do somethin about it." "I would, - said the other blonde, - but i can't swim!"
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A 86-year-old man went to his doctor for his quarterly check-up. The doctor asked him how he was feeling and the 86-year-old said: "Things are great and I've never felt better. I now have a 20 year-old bride who is pregnant with my child." "So what do you think about that, Doc?"
The doctor considered his question for a minute and then began to tell a story.
"I have an older Redneck friend, much like you, who is an avid hunter and never misses a season. One day he was setting off to go hunting. In a bit of a hurry, he accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun. As he neared a lake, he came across a very large male beaver sitting at the water's edge. He realized he'd left his gun at home and so he couldn't shoot the magnificent creature. Out of habit he raised his cane, aimed it at the animal as if it were his favorite hunting rifle and went 'bang, bang'. Miraculously, two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead. Now, what do you think of that?" asked the doctor.
The 86-year-old said: "Logic would strongly suggest that somebody else pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver." The doctor replied: "My point exactly."
***
One Sunday morning, mother went into son's bedroom to wake him up for church. Son said:"I am not going to church today." Mom asked: “WHY NOT?” Son replied: "Let me give you 2 reasons: first, the members don't like me. Secondly, I don't like them.” Mom then replied: "Let me give you 2 reasons: First, you are 54 years old. Secondly, you are the Pastor."
***
Tom was walking down the street with his girl friend. They stopped to look into a jewelry store window.
His girl friend said: “Honey, would you get that big diamond ring for me?”
Tom picked up a brick and threw it through the window and grabbed the diamond ring for her.
They walked a little further hand and hand when they came up to a department store window with a fur coat in the window.
She said: “Tom, would you get that fur coat me?”
Tom threw another brick through the window and got the fur coat for her.
As they walked a little further they came upon a store with a liitle black puppy in the pet store window.
“Oh! Tom, I would love to have that little puppy in the window.” Tom said: “You must think I am made of bricks!”
***
There was this man driving along in his car when he suddenly got a flat tire. When he pulled over he was at the fence of a mental hospital. When he got out of the car one of the patients came to the fence and asked “Can I help you?” And the man said "no I need to figure out how to make it home with only 2 lugs on this wheel." The patient asked again “Are you sure you do not need any help?” And the man said "no." The man tried to figure it out when all of a sudden the patient said "If I were you I would take 1 lug off the other 3 wheels and put them on that wheel and you should be able to get home.” The man asked “How did you think of that?” The patient replied “I am in here because I'm crazy not because I'm stupid.”
***
An Amish lady is trotting down the road in her horse and buggy when she is pulled over by a cop.
"Ma'am," said the cop, "I'm not going to ticket you, but I do have to issue you a warning. You have a broken reflector on your buggy."
"Oh, I'll let my husband, Jacob, know as soon as I get home," responded the Amish lady.
"That's fine. Another thing, ma'am. I don't like the way that one rein loops across the horse's back and around one of his testicles. I consider that animal abuse. Have your husband take care of that right away!", instructed the cop.
Later that day, the lady is at home telling her husband about her encounter with the cop.
"Well, dear, what exactly did he say?" asked Jacob.
"He said the reflector is broken," replied the lady.
"I can fix that in two minutes. What else?", wondered Jacob.
"I'm not sure, Jacob... something about the emergency brake..."
***