Post by JJ Judkins on Apr 22, 2012 13:39:30 GMT -6
NOW THAT'S FUNNY TUESDAY
A bunch of blondes walk into a restaurant celebrating and chanting, "28 days, 28 days...it only took us
28 days!"
Everyone was wondering what took them 28 days and why they were celebrating. Finally, when the blondes
were about to leave, a waiter goes up to them and asks, "What took you 28 days? Why are you
celebrating?"
All the blondes say, "We just finished a puzzle in 28 days and on the box it said 3-6 years!!!"
****
86 year old lady goes into a bar, the bartender ask what would she like. I would like a shot of whiskey
and a DROP of water. The bartender pours the whiskey, she repeats: "Only a Drop of water." After 5 more
drinks, the bartender states: "Mam, I understand the booze but what's with the DROP of water?" She
replies: " Well, you know, we senior citizens can hold our booze, but can't hold our water!"
****
One day a burnette and a blonde were walking up the stairs. The burnette fell and the blonde laughed.
The burnette said: "Whats so funny?". The blonde said: "I've already fell up the steps today once."
(then the blonde fell.) The blonde said: "I guess I can check that off my list". The burnette said:
"You can check what off ur list". The blonde answered: "My goal was to fall up the stairs twice in one
day ... and i did".
****
A blonde was on her computer. The message popped up and said 'YOU GOT MAIL!' She gets up, goes out to
her mail box, opens it up and looks inside. She saw nothing, so she goes back inside to her computer.
A little later the message popped uo again - 'YOU GOT MAIL!' She goes back outside to look in her mail
box. Her neighbour had watched her do this for several times in a row. Finally, he asked: "Why do you
keep checking your mail? It is Saturday." The blonde looks at him and says back: "My computer keeps
saying 'YOU GOT MAIL!' The guy told her... "You've got an E-MAIL, DUMMY!"
****
The devil decides to have fun one day, so he pulls three souls from the fire and says: "I will give you
two chances to return to earth." He makes a cage appear with a gorilla in it and says: "The first one
to make him shake his head yes,no and then lay down will go back to earth."
The chinaman steps up first and asks: "Do you like chinese food?" - he shakes his head yes. "Do you
know how to make it?" - he shakes his head no. "Well, lay down and I will show you how." The gorilla
doesn't.
Next the italian says "Do you like pizza?" - he shakes his head yes. "Do you know how to make it?" - he
shakes his head no. "Well, lay down and I will show you" - he doesn't.
Then the african opens the cage and starts to beat the gorilla with a pipe, when he is done he looks at
the gorilla, holds up the pipe and says: "Do you see this pipe?" - he shakes his head yes. "Do you want
me to hit you again?" - he shakes his head no. "Then lay down!" - the gorilla lays down.
****
Three boys went into a candy store. “I want 50 cents' worth of jellybeans,” the first boy said to the
store owner. The man frowned because the jellybeans were on the top shelf in the store. He didn’t like
climbing up there to sell 50 cents' worth for jellybeans. But he did it.
When he came down, he put away the ladder and turned to the second boy.“What would you like?” he
asked. “I’ll have 50 cents’ worth of jellybeans, too” said the second boy. Annoyed, the man got the
ladder and climbed up to get the jellybeans.
When he was up there he turned to the third boy. “You don’t want 50 cents’ worth of jellybeans, do
you?” he asked. “No sir,” answered the third boy. So the man climbed down and put away the ladder. “Now
what do you want?” the man asked the boy. I’ll have 25 cents' worth of jellybeans please,” the boy
replied.
****
A hot afternoon and chilling at a local bar, everyone had their attention on a news about a jumper. A
man at the bar said: "20 bucks says he'll jump." A blond heard and said: "You're on." Sure enough he
did jump and she paid the guy. He confessed: "I can't take your money, I saw this footage earlier this
morning". The blond said: :"So did I, but I didn't think he would do it again.
****
A kid walked onto his dad one day and asked: "Dad, dad how do you know when someone gets drunk?" The
dad said to him: "Son, you see those two guys over there? When someone gets drunk he sees four guys
instead of two". The kid turned around and could find only one person....
****
Once, there were three guys,red head, a blonde & a brunette. The red head went out to hunt for a good
size buck. He came back to the cabin with a 7x7 pointer. The brunette asked: "How did you get that?".
The red head said: "I found the tracks, I followed the tracks & found him."
So the brunette goes out & shoots an 8x8. The blonde asks: "Where did you find him?" The brunette says:
"I found the tracks, I followed the tracks & found him."
So the blonde goes out to find a buck. Later he comes back, he's all bloody & has broken bones. The red
head & the brunette ask: " What happened!?" The blonde says: "I found the tracks, I followed the tracks
& I got hit by a train."
****
There was a blond and she wanted to buy a TV but the guy wouldn't let her. And the girl asked why and
the guy said no because she's a blond. So she went and died her hair brown. And the guy still wouldn't
let her because he thought she's blond. And the girl said: "No, I"m not." And the guy said: "Yes, you
are, because we sell microwaves!!!"
****
A man is driving 90 miles an hour when he gets pulled over for speeding.
The cop says to him: "Do you realize how fast you were going and he said: "No." His wife replies: "Yes,
you did dear, I told you to slow down."
The cop says: "You also do not have your seat belt on." At this time the man says that he did but took
it off when he saw the police car to get out his wallet. His wife says: "No, you did not have your seat
belt on, I always tell you it is dangerous, dear."
Finally, the man tells his wife she'd better shut up! The cop says: "Does he always talk to you like
that?" "Oh, no, officer, only when he is drinking."
****
An Engineer dies and arrives at the Pearly Gates and Saint Peter looks over his file and says: "You are
not supposed to be here." So the engineer goes to hell. Pretty soon the engineer gets tired of the way
life is in hell so he starts to make improvements.
Sometime later God calls down to hell and says: "Hello, Devil, how's it going down there?" and the
Devil says: " Oh, it is really doing great since you sent that engineer down here, we now have air
conditioning, frost free refrigerators with ice-makers, electric lights and indoor flush toilets. Why
he is just now finishinging putting in an escalator.
"What!!!!!!! You have an Engineer down there? He is not supposed to be down there, you better send him
back up here or I'm going to sue!!". The Devil laughed and said: "And just where are you going to get a
lawyer?" An Engineer dies and arrives at the Pearly Gates and Saint Peter looks over his file and says: "You are
not supposed to be here." So the engineer goes to hell. Pretty soon the engineer gets tired of the way
life is in hell so he starts to make improvements.
Sometime later God calls down to hell and says: "Hello, Devil, how's it going down there?" and the
Devil says: " Oh, it is really doing great since you sent that engineer down here, we now have air
conditioning, frost free refrigerators with ice-makers, electric lights and indoor flush toilets. Why
he is just now finishinging putting in an escalator.
"What!!!!!!! You have an Engineer down there? He is not supposed to be down there, you better send him
back up here or I'm going to sue!!". The Devil laughed and said: "And just where are you going to get a
lawyer?" An Engineer dies and arrives at the Pearly Gates and Saint Peter looks over his file and says: "You are
not supposed to be here." So the engineer goes to hell. Pretty soon the engineer gets tired of the way
life is in hell so he starts to make improvements.
Sometime later God calls down to hell and says: "Hello, Devil, how's it going down there?" and the
Devil says: " Oh, it is really doing great since you sent that engineer down here, we now have air
conditioning, frost free refrigerators with ice-makers, electric lights and indoor flush toilets. Why
he is just now finishinging putting in an escalator.
"What!!!!!!! You have an Engineer down there? He is not supposed to be down there, you better send him
back up here or I'm going to sue!!". The Devil laughed and said: "And just where are you going to get a
lawyer?"
****
Once upon an evening, there were 3 hungry bats that decided to go hunting one by one. The first bat
went and returned with nothing. The second bat with zip. The third bat returned with so much blood, the
other 2 asked anxiously: "Where did you find all that blood?" The bat answered: "You see that wall over
there?... Well, I didn't.
****
Sam the bartender announcing last call offered his last customer a hand as he kept making the attempt
to stand but winding up on the floor. He dragged himself to the door, grabbed onto the door knob and
made another attempt. Failed again. Dragging himself out a few feet he leaned against the wall took a
deep breath and slurred: "Sure, glad I live next door".
Making his way home and up the three steps to the front door. Grabbing the door knob made another
attempt to stand but fell, so into the house he slowly went. He finally made it to bed and fell asleep.
The next morning his wife yelled out: "Harry you were out drinking again!?". "No my dear, what brought
that up?" he replied. She angrily yell back: "Sam called, you left your wheelchair again"!
****
A bunch of blondes walk into a restaurant celebrating and chanting, "28 days, 28 days...it only took us
28 days!"
Everyone was wondering what took them 28 days and why they were celebrating. Finally, when the blondes
were about to leave, a waiter goes up to them and asks, "What took you 28 days? Why are you
celebrating?"
All the blondes say, "We just finished a puzzle in 28 days and on the box it said 3-6 years!!!"
****
86 year old lady goes into a bar, the bartender ask what would she like. I would like a shot of whiskey
and a DROP of water. The bartender pours the whiskey, she repeats: "Only a Drop of water." After 5 more
drinks, the bartender states: "Mam, I understand the booze but what's with the DROP of water?" She
replies: " Well, you know, we senior citizens can hold our booze, but can't hold our water!"
****
One day a burnette and a blonde were walking up the stairs. The burnette fell and the blonde laughed.
The burnette said: "Whats so funny?". The blonde said: "I've already fell up the steps today once."
(then the blonde fell.) The blonde said: "I guess I can check that off my list". The burnette said:
"You can check what off ur list". The blonde answered: "My goal was to fall up the stairs twice in one
day ... and i did".
****
A blonde was on her computer. The message popped up and said 'YOU GOT MAIL!' She gets up, goes out to
her mail box, opens it up and looks inside. She saw nothing, so she goes back inside to her computer.
A little later the message popped uo again - 'YOU GOT MAIL!' She goes back outside to look in her mail
box. Her neighbour had watched her do this for several times in a row. Finally, he asked: "Why do you
keep checking your mail? It is Saturday." The blonde looks at him and says back: "My computer keeps
saying 'YOU GOT MAIL!' The guy told her... "You've got an E-MAIL, DUMMY!"
****
The devil decides to have fun one day, so he pulls three souls from the fire and says: "I will give you
two chances to return to earth." He makes a cage appear with a gorilla in it and says: "The first one
to make him shake his head yes,no and then lay down will go back to earth."
The chinaman steps up first and asks: "Do you like chinese food?" - he shakes his head yes. "Do you
know how to make it?" - he shakes his head no. "Well, lay down and I will show you how." The gorilla
doesn't.
Next the italian says "Do you like pizza?" - he shakes his head yes. "Do you know how to make it?" - he
shakes his head no. "Well, lay down and I will show you" - he doesn't.
Then the african opens the cage and starts to beat the gorilla with a pipe, when he is done he looks at
the gorilla, holds up the pipe and says: "Do you see this pipe?" - he shakes his head yes. "Do you want
me to hit you again?" - he shakes his head no. "Then lay down!" - the gorilla lays down.
****
Three boys went into a candy store. “I want 50 cents' worth of jellybeans,” the first boy said to the
store owner. The man frowned because the jellybeans were on the top shelf in the store. He didn’t like
climbing up there to sell 50 cents' worth for jellybeans. But he did it.
When he came down, he put away the ladder and turned to the second boy.“What would you like?” he
asked. “I’ll have 50 cents’ worth of jellybeans, too” said the second boy. Annoyed, the man got the
ladder and climbed up to get the jellybeans.
When he was up there he turned to the third boy. “You don’t want 50 cents’ worth of jellybeans, do
you?” he asked. “No sir,” answered the third boy. So the man climbed down and put away the ladder. “Now
what do you want?” the man asked the boy. I’ll have 25 cents' worth of jellybeans please,” the boy
replied.
****
A hot afternoon and chilling at a local bar, everyone had their attention on a news about a jumper. A
man at the bar said: "20 bucks says he'll jump." A blond heard and said: "You're on." Sure enough he
did jump and she paid the guy. He confessed: "I can't take your money, I saw this footage earlier this
morning". The blond said: :"So did I, but I didn't think he would do it again.
****
A kid walked onto his dad one day and asked: "Dad, dad how do you know when someone gets drunk?" The
dad said to him: "Son, you see those two guys over there? When someone gets drunk he sees four guys
instead of two". The kid turned around and could find only one person....
****
Once, there were three guys,red head, a blonde & a brunette. The red head went out to hunt for a good
size buck. He came back to the cabin with a 7x7 pointer. The brunette asked: "How did you get that?".
The red head said: "I found the tracks, I followed the tracks & found him."
So the brunette goes out & shoots an 8x8. The blonde asks: "Where did you find him?" The brunette says:
"I found the tracks, I followed the tracks & found him."
So the blonde goes out to find a buck. Later he comes back, he's all bloody & has broken bones. The red
head & the brunette ask: " What happened!?" The blonde says: "I found the tracks, I followed the tracks
& I got hit by a train."
****
There was a blond and she wanted to buy a TV but the guy wouldn't let her. And the girl asked why and
the guy said no because she's a blond. So she went and died her hair brown. And the guy still wouldn't
let her because he thought she's blond. And the girl said: "No, I"m not." And the guy said: "Yes, you
are, because we sell microwaves!!!"
****
A man is driving 90 miles an hour when he gets pulled over for speeding.
The cop says to him: "Do you realize how fast you were going and he said: "No." His wife replies: "Yes,
you did dear, I told you to slow down."
The cop says: "You also do not have your seat belt on." At this time the man says that he did but took
it off when he saw the police car to get out his wallet. His wife says: "No, you did not have your seat
belt on, I always tell you it is dangerous, dear."
Finally, the man tells his wife she'd better shut up! The cop says: "Does he always talk to you like
that?" "Oh, no, officer, only when he is drinking."
****
An Engineer dies and arrives at the Pearly Gates and Saint Peter looks over his file and says: "You are
not supposed to be here." So the engineer goes to hell. Pretty soon the engineer gets tired of the way
life is in hell so he starts to make improvements.
Sometime later God calls down to hell and says: "Hello, Devil, how's it going down there?" and the
Devil says: " Oh, it is really doing great since you sent that engineer down here, we now have air
conditioning, frost free refrigerators with ice-makers, electric lights and indoor flush toilets. Why
he is just now finishinging putting in an escalator.
"What!!!!!!! You have an Engineer down there? He is not supposed to be down there, you better send him
back up here or I'm going to sue!!". The Devil laughed and said: "And just where are you going to get a
lawyer?" An Engineer dies and arrives at the Pearly Gates and Saint Peter looks over his file and says: "You are
not supposed to be here." So the engineer goes to hell. Pretty soon the engineer gets tired of the way
life is in hell so he starts to make improvements.
Sometime later God calls down to hell and says: "Hello, Devil, how's it going down there?" and the
Devil says: " Oh, it is really doing great since you sent that engineer down here, we now have air
conditioning, frost free refrigerators with ice-makers, electric lights and indoor flush toilets. Why
he is just now finishinging putting in an escalator.
"What!!!!!!! You have an Engineer down there? He is not supposed to be down there, you better send him
back up here or I'm going to sue!!". The Devil laughed and said: "And just where are you going to get a
lawyer?" An Engineer dies and arrives at the Pearly Gates and Saint Peter looks over his file and says: "You are
not supposed to be here." So the engineer goes to hell. Pretty soon the engineer gets tired of the way
life is in hell so he starts to make improvements.
Sometime later God calls down to hell and says: "Hello, Devil, how's it going down there?" and the
Devil says: " Oh, it is really doing great since you sent that engineer down here, we now have air
conditioning, frost free refrigerators with ice-makers, electric lights and indoor flush toilets. Why
he is just now finishinging putting in an escalator.
"What!!!!!!! You have an Engineer down there? He is not supposed to be down there, you better send him
back up here or I'm going to sue!!". The Devil laughed and said: "And just where are you going to get a
lawyer?"
****
Once upon an evening, there were 3 hungry bats that decided to go hunting one by one. The first bat
went and returned with nothing. The second bat with zip. The third bat returned with so much blood, the
other 2 asked anxiously: "Where did you find all that blood?" The bat answered: "You see that wall over
there?... Well, I didn't.
****
Sam the bartender announcing last call offered his last customer a hand as he kept making the attempt
to stand but winding up on the floor. He dragged himself to the door, grabbed onto the door knob and
made another attempt. Failed again. Dragging himself out a few feet he leaned against the wall took a
deep breath and slurred: "Sure, glad I live next door".
Making his way home and up the three steps to the front door. Grabbing the door knob made another
attempt to stand but fell, so into the house he slowly went. He finally made it to bed and fell asleep.
The next morning his wife yelled out: "Harry you were out drinking again!?". "No my dear, what brought
that up?" he replied. She angrily yell back: "Sam called, you left your wheelchair again"!
****